TMI
by divine one
Summary: Created for the Noel of Spike LJ site. Spike/Faith/Xander suggestive. Holiday Crackfic


Okay, so this is crackfic.  
Huge crackfic.  
If you're looking for hope inspiring, lit candles, 'opening the perfect gift' fic... this probably isn't it.  
If you're open to a little irreverent humor... this might be your cuppa! Created for the Noel of Spike LJ site.  
So, w/o further ado:

* * *

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Faith looked around the building in disbelief. "There's a real Santa Claus, and this is his workshop?" Faith eyed Xander and Spike suspiciously.

"Dude! That's exactly what I said last year!" Xander said excitedly.

"That's a load of crap, Harris." Spike called Xander on his memory of last year's events. "What you **said** was, 'So this is the bat cave, Batman?'"

Faith snorted. "Well other than the dorkiness of X-man's response, I have to say I agree with his basic sentiment. There's a real freakin' Santa Claus?!"

Spike sighed, "Oh, c'mon! I expected disbelief from the boy, but you? You deal with supernatural beings e'ery day of your life. I'da thought you knew about him already."

"Sorry, guess I musta slept through the 'jolly gift-giver' section in Slayer training." Making a slow 360* she took in the whole workshop. "Well I really should have worked harder at being a 'good girl' this year." She shrugged, "Oh well… wait, if this is Santa's workshop, where are all of the elves? And where's Santa?"

"Faith!" Xander said with a violent shake of his head and a surreptitious glance around the shop, "Don't call them elves. They **hate** being called Elves. They're 'small helpers'." Xander shuddered, "I, uh, learned that the hard way."

Spike smirked before answering Faith's other question. "It's two days after Christmas, Pet, and one day after the post-Christmas celebratory party; Santa's helpers are all sleeping it off."

Faith raised a brow, "And the big man?"

"Ehrm," he scratched his neck and scuffed his boots on the wooden floor a few times.

"You don't want to know," Xander jumped in. "Really! You **really** don't want to know; it's… it's a Santa TMI kind of situation. Really, really TMI."

Faith raised her other brow and let her eyes shift between Spike and Xander, "Spill."

Glancing at Xander and seeing that _he_ wasn't going to explain, Spike heaved a sigh and dived in. "So, yeah, apparently, Nick treats Christmas like some pro-footballers do. He, uh, abstains from certain activities in preparation for the big event."

Xander added, "For a month! He abstains for A MONTH!"

"Not like you haven't gone without for **much** longer, whelp."

"Not recently." Xander grinned as he spoke.

Faith's eyes sparked with understanding, "So basically, you're saying Santa and Mrs. Santa didn't 'knock boots' for a month?"

"Eloquently put, Luv, but, yeah, he goes from Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas without… erhm, sticking his thumb into the plum pudding, as it were."

She whistled, "One month!"

"Tell me about it…. But anyway, it being the 27th and all, Nick and Nora are, erh, getting it on in the Claus Chalet." He peeked at his watch. "It'll be another 2 days or so before we see hide or hair of either one them. We won't be able to get the Kringle dust for Red's spell until then."

"Nick and Nora Claus?" Faith asked disbelievingly.

"Where'dya think Hammett got the names from?"

She shook her head and moved on, "Okay so 'Nick and Nora' Claus are in their house, here at the North Pole, screwing their brains out?"

Xander nodded his head, a grimace on his face, "See what I mean about TMI?"

Faith pursed her lips into a smirk, her eyes sparking. "Go, Santa, _Go_!"

Taking a few steps forward, she traced her hand along one of the thick wooden tables and chairs that filled one third of the warehouse's space. "So this is really where all of the magic happens!?"

She bent over and picked up a stray piece of red and white, striped ribbon from the sawdust covered floor, and Spike let his eyes trail over her athletic figure. Glancing at the boy, who also had his eyes locked on Faith's form, Spike licked his lips.

"Well, it's not where 'all of the magic happens'." Reaching for Faith's waist, he tugged her in towards him. Locking eyes with Xander he murmured, "Since we seem to have arrived here at the pole while Santa is… 'otherwise occupied' I'm thinking we all head back to the hotel and…" He waggled his eyebrows, "make some magic of our own."

Faith glanced at Xander to find him grinning. She turned her head and looked over her shoulder at Spike's smirking countenance. "Was this the plan all along? Get Faith up to Santa's Workshop and then offer to show her your 'north poles'?"

"Not like you haven't seen them before, Luv."

Xander piped up, "One vote for the hotel!" He glanced around the workshop nervously, "I'd rather spend as little time around here as possible. The elv- erh, small helpers aren't as friendly and nice as stories would have you believe."

Spike gave an enigmatic chuckle.

Darting her eyes between Spike and Xander, Faith declared, "One of you is eventually going to tell me the Elf/Xander story." Pulling away from Spike she strode to the entrance of the workshop and with her hand on the door knob she turned around and faced her boys. "Well, are you guys coming?" She gave a dark grin, "Last one at the hotel has to sit back and watch." She opened the door then threw back over her shoulder as she headed out of the building, "at least for the first round."

Spike looked at Xander.

Xander looked at Spike.

Before Spike could even open his mouth to threaten or tease Xander – Xander was at the workshop entrance, his hand on the door. "Cya!"

Spike looked around the empty workshop before racing after Xander and Faith. "Oi! Wait up! No way I'm just sitting back with the reindeer and watching while the two of you play 'hide the candy cane!'"


End file.
